I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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