I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
