Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think I sprained my soul last night
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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