Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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