im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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