I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
