If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
