I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you didnt know i had herpes?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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