sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
