I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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