i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
