If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I want a musical about memes.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
