my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
