From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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