Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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