Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
