Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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