none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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