the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
