I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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