I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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