my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
