Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
