Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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