he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
