I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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