A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
