Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Is her dick bigger than yours?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
