he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
