dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
