You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
