remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
