He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
