Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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