I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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