I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Randomize