it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
