I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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