BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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