I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
