I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
