If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
