I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
