Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
