I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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