I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize