last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
