My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Drunk is not a location!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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