So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
