the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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