Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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