i think my tv is drunk
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
