how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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