kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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