when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
