i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
