I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
